IN DEFENSE OF KABOOM CEREAL
For far too long, the commenters and cob-loggers on
Ace of Spades HQ have been denigrating the good name of Kaboom cereal, and I for one am damn tired of it. I understand that Kaboom cereal makes an easy punch line to all you members of polite society, but to some of us, Kaboom was our Godsend.
Yes, I am a proud Kaboom Kidde. Why do I call myself a proud Kaboom Kidde? Because Kaboom never abandoned me! Given up for adoption as an infant, always felt "left out" and "different", but do you know who accepted me and made me feel special? Kaboom. My adoptive parents were drunks, often forgetting to make breakfast for me, but do you know what was there every morning for me? Kaboom. As I grew up and became a latchkey key, I never stopped being a Kaboom Kidde because a nice bowl of Kaboom was waiting for me when I got home. Mom too drunk to fix dinner? Kaboom was there. The saddest day of my life was when Kaboom was discontinued, now I must go through life alone without my good friend Kaboom.
And let's not forget about the Kaboom clown. None of you have even learned what his name is. His name was Kenneth Allen Boome. The youngest clown of Benjamin Arthur Boome and Sara Hickey Boome (nee Scrath), born in 1945. His father was a renowned clown that travelled around the country with the D.A. Grimble Circus during the 40's, and his mother was the secretary for the circus. Unfortunately, in 1951, his mother and father and 3 siblings were all killed when the canon that Baboom (his stage name) exploded, killing his family and Foo Foo the elephant. Boomie, as little Kenneth was nicknamed, had wandered off to the cotton candy and funnel cake stands when the accident took place. For the next 11 years Boomie was passed from foster home to foster home and from orphanage to orphanage, never staying in one place longer than 4 months. At the age of 16, he enlisted in the United States Marine Corps.
Boomie reported for duty in July 1961, and after completing basic training, he asked to be deployed to Viet Nam, and he was. An exemplary Marine, Boomie always was on high alert, and on September 2, 1961, it proved to be a blessing for his battalion. He noticed some movement along the wire and went to check it out. There, he found an entire division of NVA and Viet Cong planning an ambush, armed with his M16, a 45, a couple of grenades and his bayonet, he attacked. Afterwards, 3469 commies lay dead, along with 1269 wounded, and 2769 captured. Boomie however had stepped on a couple of rusty nails during the battle which caused his feet to swell to enormous proportions, thus ending his military career. When told he was up for the Bronze Star and Medal of Honor, he declined both because he had been told that he was ineligible for the Purple Heart, a point of contention that he carried to his death in 2006, and one of the reasons he gave for being a member of the Swift Boat group in 2004.
After getting his Honorable Discharge from the Marines, he was contacted by Hollywood about starring in movies and television, he declined. He always wanted to go to college, and decided this would be a good time to peruse that. In August of 1964, he enrolled THE Ohio College for Clowning Arts as a full time student and member of the football team. As the team's star halfback, he rushed for 269 yards in their upset of unbeaten and top ranked Ohio State University in what many call the greatest college football game ever played, and his performance as one of the greatest single games ever. Sadly, a shoulder injury sidelined him for the last 3 games of the season, and he narrowly lost the Heisman Trophy, and OCCA lost to Penn State in the Astrobluebonnet Bowl. The shoulder injury proved to be too much to come back from, and his football career was over.
In May of 1967, he graduated from Clown College, and an executive at a food company asked him to model for some products, he did. That modeling job became the box of Kaboom Cereal. It was also around this time that he met the love of his life, Lulubell Scrimpton. After a 3 month whirlwind romance, they married in August of 67, and their first child arrived in January of 1968, they welcomed their first of 8 children. Life was good for Kenneth, but there was danger lurking. He took a job with the D.D. Juggs Circus as one of their star performers, and it put him back into close proximity of what was his demon, cotton candy and funnel cakes. He got hooked on them and went into a deep depression, a depression that almost consumed him before the Kaboom cereal corporation contacted him about becoming their official spokesman. He jumped at the chance and was re-energized.
He went around the country and around the world promoting Kaboom cereal and talking to kids. For the next 5 years, he was the happiest clown on the face of the earth, and it showed. He sought out orphans and other forgotten kids and brought smiles to their faces as only KaBoom the clown could! Then, the day the seltzer water stopped. September 28, 1978. Lulubell and their eight children had gone to a family reunion that KaBoom would be meeting them at later, and the unthinkable happened, Lulubell, their 8 children, and 10 of their cousins were killed when the Boome's clown car was rear ended by a semi. 19 in the car were killed, and fortunately, 15 escaped before the fire engulfed the car.
KaBoom was devastated. It was like another punch in the gut, whenever he felt like he was getting closer to happiness, tragedy would strike. And this tragedy sent him over the edge. His use of cotton candy and funnel cakes returned, but that was only the beginning. He started using bucket after bucket of confetti, and washing it down with bottle after bottle of seltzer, in short, he was a mess. Kaboom cereal had no choice but to fire him. He spiraled out of control.
In 1989, he hit rock bottom when he was videotaped wearing a bustier and high heel clown shoes in Madonna's video, "Papa Don't Preach" where he played a transvestite hooker. It was at this point, the Kaboom Cereal Corporation decided to discontinue Kaboom Cereal because of the negative publicity.
By this point, the Quisp Martian and King Vitamin had seen enough and got Kaboom the help that he needed and got him sober again. The Kaboom Cereal Corporation also brought back Kaboom Cereal for another shot, both seemed to be poised for a huge comeback as the original KaBoom Kiddes were now parents to a new generation of Kaboom Kiddes.
Alas, it wasn't to be. On March 19, 1994, Kenneth Allen Boome died of a massive coronary brought on by his overindulgence of funnel cakes. At his autopsy, the medical examiner described it as "holy shit, when I opened up his heart, five fucking funnel cakes came out". With no family and penniless, Boomie was placed in a cardboard box and buried in what used to be the end zone of Skippy The Clown Field at Zosia the Clown/Canada Dry Seltzer Stadium on the campus of THE Ohio College for the Clowning Arts.
But remember this, Kaboom was one of us, we proud KaBoom Kiddes will sharpen up our spoons and cut your asses if you continue to denigrate one of the greatest men of all times, Kenneth "Boomie" Allen "Kaboom" Boome.
